Relationship Building Tips
December 7, 2010Relationship Building Tips:
Parents, who didn’t build strong connection until teen years, may have a child who is struggling with
issues of connection deficiency.
- When we reconnect with older children we have to compensate: if your daughter
is getting her needs met by her peers then peers have influence, not
parents
- Some teens and young adults develop coping behaviors such
as drug use, alcohol use, defiance, escape of reality, etc…..
-The older children become, the more work it takes to re-establish or
establish connection, though it is never too late, it is only late to
do it easy.
“It takes the same amount of time, attention, and
energy to meet a child’s emotional needs, as it does to deal with the
behaviors caused by unmet emotional needs” P. Leo
Proposed approach is to stop “being a parent”: meaning to stop
thinking in terms of “what can I do to fix my child”, but rather “what
can I do to meet my child emotional needs”, because this is what it
is: unmet emotional needs that take form of the problematic behavior.
Important to remember that meeting child’s needs is not the same as
making them happy.
Scenario 1: when you supporting your child financially until he/she will be
able to support himself means accommodating their need for feeling
protected and loved ( mind that it is a very competitive job market,
and people with almost no experience are having much tougher time
finding a job).
However, by accommodating their spending habits without developing a
budget might make them happy, but will not meet the need for personal
dignity and self respect.
Proactively discussing proposed budget in above terms will meet their
need for self respect: people gain self esteem by deciding and doing
things for themselves.
Scenario 2: accommodating your son’s need to connect with friends
will meet the need for connection and will make him happy.
However, discussing and reinforcing consequence for illegal smoking (pot ,
cigarettes, drinking) will meet your child need for safety and
protection, but will not make him happy.
Proactively discussing it in terms of making sure he is safe and
protected, vs. being exposed to undesirable consequences such as not
controlling himself and trouble with police.
When children of any age seem disrespectful, distant or inconsiderate,
it usually means that this is exactly how they feel they have been
treated. Not necessarily that parents meant it that way, but that is
how things interpreted in child’s mind.
So the best approach is to recognize the feeling and the need and not
feeling offended by this. because when we feel offended, we overreact
in response, which create more disconnect
If you felt you overreacted and said something you regret, say: lets
discuss and replay this situation over.
When their rude or disrespectful, look at her rudeness as a sign
of children being hurt at some point in life. In this case response is: I
see you hurting inside, otherwise you would not be rude. let see how
we can resolve this to have both our needs met.
Fist steps towards repairing a relationship with your out of control teen.
November 30, 2010The constant “nagging” question every parent of the out-of-control teen is asking themselves is “how can I get back the control and influence?”
Well… you can’t! In fact, it is counterproductive and dangerous to believe that we can control other person. People just don’t like to be controlled.
However you can definitely start gaining back your influence by re-examining the relationship and finding new ways of connecting with your child.
Try these “simple” steps:
1. Respect yourself and your “opponent”: Do you like this person that you become when you scream and yell and calling names, saying hurtful things that you don’t mean? I bet the answer is No. So don’t: walk away with message: “When you ready for respectful dialog, then we talk”
2. “Pretend” to let go of your fear of loosing the battle, hence loosing your child.
Lot’s of counterproductive behaviors are caused by normal parental fear of ultimately failing your child. It is not entirely possible to let go of fear, but it is possible to behave like you don’t have it: Take a deep breath and think before responding to a bad situation: what is the goal? What would I have said to a child of my close friend in the same situation?
3. Respond with acknowledging the feeling: “I see you……. “(Ask yourself: why does my child behaves this way? What is the real need? Is he/she scarred, lost, doesn’t know how to ask for help?)
4. Show respect and believe in his/her abilities to make right decisions: “I see that you …., however I believe that you know what is the right thing to do…”
5. Positive attention to every little step forward. In simple termes like this: I see you did (whatever the good deed was), it must feel good to be able to ……
Importance of connecting
November 21, 2010Our children might not always turn out the way we dreamed about, but they might turn
out much better, better then our best dreams if we do it right! And what does “right”
mean? It means that we will adjust our expectation and believes to be the best possible
parents for the kind of child that is actually born to us, not to the child we had
in mind.
Your children might have personality totally different from yours or anyone else in the
family. Children in the same family may have different personalities and each require
individual approach – an approach that creates a strong bond with this particular child
the way it works for this particular child.
Parents often tell me that they find parenting advice to be confusing and
contradictory. “How do I tell the difference between ‘good’ parenting advice and ‘bad’
parenting advice? One expert or book says to do one thing and another tells me to do
the exact opposite? How am I to know what is best for my child?”
“A parenting philosophy is relevant only to the extent that it promotes parenting
practices which support secure bonding” P.Leo
Our effectiveness as parents is in direct proportion to the strength of the bond we have
with our child. Securing and maintaining that bond is our primary work as parents and is
the key to optimal human development.
The best answer to that question is the question: “If I follow this advice, will I create
a connection or a disconnection with my child?” When a parent’s behavior creates a
connection, the child feels that the parent is on his side, and their bond and connection
is strengthened. When a parent’s behavior creates a disconnection, the child feels that
the parent is against him, and their bond and connection is weakened. Since parents’
effectiveness is in direct proportion to the strength of the bond and connection they
have with their child, any advice that undermines the strength of that bond is
counterproductive.
What makes the time and effort worth it all? As they say: “You are always as happy as
your least happy child.” Your children will grow, they will find their own ways in life, they
will explore their own paths to happiness and it is very important to know that those who
have higher self worth and self esteem will make much better choices.
And the best thing of all that you will be able to influence your child and share best time!
My Parent Story: How I Became a Parent Coach
August 17, 2010
Before my son was born, I dreamed about his future. I pictured him to be bright and curious, successful in school, and eventually fulfilling all of his potential. From the start however, it was clear that Leo* was different from other children. At playgrounds other mothers would try to avoid us. One could never guess what he was going to do or say – acting kindly one moment, and disruptive the next.
By the time he became an adolescent, he was diagnosed with a host of childhood personality disorders: ADHD, OCD, ODD, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality– you name it. Being labeled and faced with issue of not being accepted in mainstream schools, we entered the world of therapeutic programs, schools and educational consultants. The experts suggested behavior modification and later “tough love” programs, and through it all, I found out the hard way that there are definitely no “one size fits all” solutions.
Leo lost faith in his ability to do well academically and socially and developed an “attitude.”The situation at home and school had gone from bad to worse. I worried day and night; I knew that I was part of the problem, but I just couldn’t figure out how to change.
Every parent who has struggled with raising a troubled teen is familiar with what I am about to describe. You dread the moment your child walks in. Every time you hear the car approaching your house your heart stops, with every knock on your door you expect bad news–your life become totally unpredictable and you live in constant turmoil. One day my fears materialized: the police showed up at my door. My son was arrested and they had come to search my house.
That day was a breakthrough moment for me: I realized that my old patterns of behavior, even with the best intentions, were not helping my son make a turn for recovery. I changed my attitude and approach and educated my family how adjust our behavior around Leo, so he would feel reformed and empowered. This new approach paid off. It set new boundaries and empowered Leo to believe in himself. Eventually he completed a transfer program at a community college, and graduated from UC Davis, all the while holding down a nearly full-time job.
Throughout tough times, the deep connection that my son and I shared formed the strong foundation for the positive changes we made in our lives. No matter the child, or the severity of the situation, I have seen the incredible power parents hold in changing the lives of their children for the better. Changing my parenting perspective and approach saved my son and my family, and I firmly believe it can save others as well.
*Note: Leo is open about sharing his story with others and gave his permission for his name to be used on this website.
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