Monitoring Adolescents
April 26, 2011Recent research has challenged how monitoring is defined. The new research argues that most of the available research operationalized monitoring in terms of parents’ knowledge of teens’ activities rather than active attempts to set limits, restrict teens’ behavior, and keep track of teens’ activities
Instead, current research finds that knowledge of teens’ activities comes primarily from teens volunteering information (adolescent disclosure) rather than from parents’ attempts to supervise and control their teens’ activities (behavioral control)
(Stattin and Kerr, 2000; Kerr & Stattin, 2000)
This new line of research shows the importance to adolescents’ social and emotional adjustment of teens to willingly share information with parents
Teens’ voluntarily sharing information led to parents’ greater knowledge about teens’ friends, activities, and whereabouts, which, in turn, resulted in less norm-breaking and delinquent behaviors
The opposite was true for parents who sought information these teens were more likely to break norms and rules
Harsh parenting practices such as monitoring and control lead to less teen disclosure and more norm and rule-breaking behavior by teens
How Does Addictive Thinking Develop?
April 17, 2011While studding the work of Abraham Twerski, MD, who pointed out the critical importance of the cognitive processes of addicted people and reaffirmed the importance of such things as reasoning, decision making, concept formation, etc… I’ve learned a lot I and would like to share with parents of children of any age this CRUCIALLY important research.
Chemical dependency is a complex disease that may result from a complex mix of physical, psychological, and social factors.
A good convincing theory was presented in an article by Dr. David Sedlak who describes addictive thinking as a person’s inability to, make consistently healthy decisions in his or her own behalf.
He points out that this is not a moral failure of a person’s willpower, but rather a disease of the will and an inability to use the will. (AA members use the expression, self will run riot.) Dr Sedlak stresses that this unique thinking disorder does not affect other kinds of reasoning. Therefore a person who develops a thinking disorder may be intelligent, intuitive, persuasive, and capable of valid philosophical and scientific reasoning.
The peculiarity of addictive thinking, he says, is the inability to reason with oneself. This symptom can apply to several emotional and behavioral problems, but is invariably found in addiction, alcoholism, compulsive gambling, sexual addiction, eating disorders, nicotine addiction and codependency.
How does this inability to reason with oneself develop? According to Dr Sedlak, the ability to reason with oneself requires certain factors.
First a person must have adequate facts about reality.
Second, a person must have certain values and principles as grounds for making certain choices. These can be from the home or culturally bound. For instance a young man growing up in a family or cultural values that say that a man proves his masculinity by being able to hold his drink may be expected to drink excessively. Failure to live up to that expectation can generate deep disappointment.
Thirdly, the person must develop a healthy and undistorted self concept.
This distorted self concept may be a result of abusive parents, teachers or any other primary caretaker.To children the world is overwhelming, so if their primary caretakers and significant adults in their life are irrational, unjust, and arbitrary, the anxiety is intolerable. Therefore, children must maintain, at whatever cost, a conviction that the world is fair, just and rational.
Of course as adults we know this isn’t true, but children cannot see it this way. They have to feel that the world must be “fair, just and rational” therefore their perception is faulty. They think, I must not be able to judge things correctly. I am stupid. Of course most of this thinking is in the subconcious.
Even when children are unfairly punished, they may be unable to believe, My parents are crazy, they punish me for no good reason. This would be too terrifying concept to tolerate. To preserve the notion that their parents are rational and predictable, their only option is to conclude, I somehow must have been bad to have been punished this way.
In short if children feel inadequate because of demanding adults or are not allowed to flex their own muscles, they will begin to feel inadequate. Some parents are so codependent they allow their kids to grow up in a fairy land world. Not providing them with the tools to deal with reality, even with small things like doing their homework for them, then such children have no chance of developing, self confidence. A child who says “I can’t” and is allowed to get away with it, actually has the feeling of inadequacy confirmed.
As children grow up, these misconceptions may continue to color thinking and behavior. They may continue to feel that they are bad people and undeserving of good things. Or they may consider their judgment to be grossly defective, which allows others to sway them easily.
A person can feel bad or worthless, even though this totally contradicts reality. Feeling insecure and inadequate makes a person more vulnerable to escapism, so often accomplished via mood altering drugs. It’s a painful life for such a person and he/she dosn’t feel like he/she belongs anywhere.
Alcohol and other drugs or any other form of addiction, anesthetizes the pain and allows the addict to feel as if he is living in a normal world.
Many thinking distortions are not necessarily related to chemical use. Fear of rejection, anxiety, isolation and despair often result in low self esteem. Many of the quirks of addictive thinking, are psychological defenses against these painful feelings, and these symptoms are due to the persistence of the distorted self image that began in childhood.
*David Sedlak, MD. “Childhood: Setting the stage for Addiction in Childhood and Adolescence” in Adolescent Substance Abuse: A Guide to prevention and Treatment, ed. Richard Israowitz and Mark Singer (New York: Haworth Press, 1983)
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 CommentHelping a child with addiction.
March 3, 2011Probably the hardest task for parents of the child with addiction is to find a way to help. Choices of intervention are limited when the child is already an adult. It is impossible to rationally understand the mind of the addict or expect an addict to think rationally. One way of helping is to change your own reactions and behaviour. It will get attention of those in denial and show that you care enough to change yourself.
I’ve known the parents who’ve always told their son that he needed help, that he needed to get a grip of reality, but they never asked him: how do you feel when you down? what would it take for you to stop? do you remember how it felt to be healthy? What would make you feel good enough? etc… Some parents are so embarrassed that they don’t realize how that child of the embarrassed parents feel: less then zero?
You can show the power of your love by admitting to yourself and to community that yes, your family has a problem and that you will fight for your child’s life with all you have, including community support. There is hope that if parents go from being embarassed to looking for help without thinking what people might think, the child might realize that he is important enough and it might promote a recovery.
Helping your teen to climb back to safety.
February 16, 2011When I think about a troubled teenager, I get a visual of somebody who’s fallen through the crack and just hanging there holding on for dear life.
What do you do when you stumble upon somebody who is barely holding on, scarred and trying to distract himself/herself with whatever will take their mind of danger? Do you scream? Do you try to lecture? Do you tell them that they deserve to be punished because there were cracks in the road that?
Highly unlikely! You are likely will think about finding the right tools to help a person hanging in there, especially if this person is somebody you love with all your heart.
Of course you can say: you got there, you find a way to get out. In this case those chances of survival are 50/50.
You can also dive in and help without looking for tools, but at risk of being pulled in or managing the rescue, but at risk that without proper tools and learning how to do it on their own, your child might fall again and there will be nobody around at the moment of need.
My job is to help parents to find the right tools, so they can give these tools to their children, so they can climb back on their own and learn survival skills.
Counter-instinctual approach to parenting.
February 3, 2011I am thrilled to discover a like minded professional who also points out that parents have to “customize their skills and tactics as they learn about their own motivations and their children’s strengths and weaknesses. Approach of moderation and resisting the urge to fix everything requires work from parents”. The counter-instinctual approach to parenting that brings results ON A LONG RUN no always easy to grasp. However, over the years I’ve experienced that parents who let go of rigid or conventional views of parenting and “cusomize” their approach are seeing the results that are far better and long lasting.
http://www.jewishjournal.com/cover_story/article/retract_your_mom_claws_20110126/
National Parent Day?
January 31, 2011Is there a National Parent Day or Week? There should be, because being a parent is the most challenging undertaking in person’s life! People take pride in their achievements in work, sports, business, etc… What about parenting? The results of parenting affect us for lifetime and the results of our effectiveness as parents can bring us to such unparalleled emotional highs, that National Parent Day is in order!
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a commentWhy not do better job then your parents?
January 26, 2011Why do SOME new parents all of the sudden employ the same approach they hated growing up with their parents? I think it is because raised that way, they never learned to trust their own instincts or oppinions, so they transfer this approach to their children to make sure they will accomplish at least the results their parent accomlished. Why not try better?:)
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a commentWhy people work with Parent Coach?
January 26, 2011The challenge of being a parent today isn’t a lack of information. In fact, information load has made parenting more challenging and parents are lost: which parenting strategy to follow? They are scarred to make wrong choices. However who knows your children better then you? Strategies and tips will take you so far, but your heart, and getting to know your child on deep emotional level will take you everywhere.
That said however, finding a parenting strategy and advice that is right for YOUR child and YOUR situation is crucial for parenting success. Working with Parent Coach is similar to working with Fitness Coach: you get personalized attention and can reach your parenting goals more effectively.
Proactive vs. Reactive
December 24, 2010The main trap for parents dealing with problematic behavior is that our own behavior is REACTIVE, we react to what happened. When we do that, it is hard not to fall into learned patterns that led to problems to begin with. Suggested approach is to become PROACTIVE: develop a strategy of reacting to problematic situation… in advance. The most efficient way is to start with acknowledgement and respect of the “opponent”.
Posted in Uncategorized | 15 CommentsLanguage is everything!
December 15, 2010Language is everything! It is crucially important how we express ourself and what we say to our children. What a difference it make while talking to your children and greatly impacts the message we are intend to deliver. Negative message: “you trust your friends more then me!” Positive message with possibility of improving relationship: “I see how much you enjoy and trust your friends. Do you think it’s possible for us to have such relationship? What would it take?” and then SAY NOTHING and wait…..
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment ← Older posts